How was I to recognize genuine love when the first man designated
to love me fell short?
I know who my father is. He was once married to my mother, but at the age of four my parents divorced. I only have one early childhood
memory of my father.
My parents, and my older brother, and I were still living in
Florida. I had on a pretty white dress, and we were visiting my paternal
grandparents. Some family members were visiting from
out of town and everyone raved about how pretty I was in my new white ruffled
dress. I sat down on my grandparent's white
leather couch looking at my lace socks, I was happy. My father was on the other side of the room, laughing with his head tilted towards the ceiling, enjoying his family and the conversation.
All other memories are all fights, arguments, and just thoughts of
him being an invisible entity in my life. I've lived many years thinking
his absence had no effect. Now I realize, that's an "untruth-a-tude".
Even though he wasn't in my life, his absence still had a profound influence in
major life choices and personal behaviors.
Now the next memorable interaction with my father would be
profound! My oldest brother was graduating from high school and my
paternal grandfather persuaded my father to come to his graduation. After
the ceremony, my father looked at me and said, "Oh I know the boys are
after my pretty daughter! You are beautiful! Do you have a
boyfriend?" I was dumbfounded.
 |
| Kindergarten |
As you can see, twenty years later, I still remember every detail of this life moment. Just in my description, I've painted the picture of a beautiful teenage girl, but my 16- year-old self couldn't understand what my father saw.
After the graduation, I went back to work with my mother. As
she went about her day, I was alone in art supply closet. Hanging on the back
of the door was a full body mirror. I stood in front of the mirror and
stared at my image. I remember talking to myself, "beautiful?",
"what did he see?", "I don't see beautiful?", "Am I
pretty?" I stood in front of that mirror for more than thirty minutes.
Even later that night, I was still confused.
 |
| Senior Prom |
 |
| Sophomore year of high school |
I'm still in awe, how the absence of a father's love is
emotionally detrimental to the self-worth of a child. By the age of
22, I had already had one abusive relationship and was currently in the midst
of one. My entire self-image and worth were distorted. I thought everything
bad in my life, was supposed to be there. I never expected happiness. I was
comfortable with problems and drama. Life was about surviving the next
disappointment.
I accepted neglect. I accepted being disrespected. I accepted being silent. I accepted being invisible. I accepted not being a priority. I accepted not being protected.
How could I possibility recognize genuine love when the first man designated
to love me fell short?
Well I did, eventually....
